#1: Your back hurts all the time. No matter what, you wake up every morning and it feels like a buffalo mounted you from behind. If you are a woman with a big husband, maybe a buffalo did mount you.
#2: Hair grows out of strange places. My ear and nose hair production is off the charts lately. The moment I pluck an ear hair, two more sprout up in its place. Also, grey hairs are popping up all over the place. I even saw a ball-sack grey hair which is like my testicles are some over-the-hill rock band that can only book shitty gigs in some shitty town.
#3: It’s twice as hard to lose weight as it is to gain it. I went on a strict diet for two months which was nullified by one weekend of crushing beers and eating Nutella.
#4: Everyday tasks become more difficult and even painful. When I wipe my ass, I better be loose (muscle not sphincter wise) or else I may slip a disc and end up in the ICU. When I tie my shoes, I have to hold my breath like I’m free diving 150 meters just to get those things laced up.
#5: People all over appear younger. Cops, athletes, waiters, shit everyone, seems like they are too young to be doing what they are doing. Then you realize that the reason old people are cranky is because they think everyone around them is too young to know shit about life. Maybe they are right.
#6: Much of your happiness depends on how well you accept the fact that you are middle aged and life is not ever going to be the same again. Those people who cannot accept this fact are easy to spot. Just look for sports cars or ridiculous fake tits.
#7: You realize that you don’t know shit and that’s ok. I wasted so much of my youth believing that there was some fundamental truth to the universe. There isn’t, so get over it.
#8: Regret is a dark place that you should avoid at all costs. Sure there are a ton of bad decisions that you made in your life. Of course with the benefit of hindsight things could have been better. Let go of that shit. Embrace the now and know that you are the sum of all things in your life, good or bad, heaven or hell, till death do us part.
Hitman With a Limp 