Scientist were ecstatic today when the official measurements of North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un’s penis was made public, making his penis size, the smallest ever on human record.
Dr. Jorgenson, a Penis Information Size Specialist (PISS) from the University of South London, published a medical journal outlining this exciting discovery. Dr. Jorgenson had this to say about what he calls, the most profoundly small penis in well over 20,000 years of human development. “It’s a miracle,” Dr. Jorgenson said with the enthusiasm of a young college student, “Kim Jong-un’s penis length came in under 2.0 uber-nanometers (fully erect) which was a measurement we had to invent because we couldn’t measure anything that small before. This size smashed the previous record for smallest penis held by Republican Presidential nominee, Donald Trump, who measured an impressive 2.1 uber-nanometers (also fully erect) and no one in the scientific community thought that was even possible.”
Dr. Jorgenson continued barely being able to control his glee, “We always speculated that Kim Jong-un’s penis was extraordinarily small, given the fact that he hates everything that is fair and decent in the world which is a dead giveaway that a man has a micro-penis and is just lashing out at the rest of the world because he wishes he wasn’t hung like a doorbell.”
When asked about how Dr. Jorgenson was able to verify Kim Jong-un’s astonishingly tiny member, Jorgenson sighed heavily and said, “It wasn’t easy that’s for sure. We had to bring in a special microscope and digital ruler that we use to measure quarks (the smallest known particles) to even see his penis. Initially, we thought he had a vagina but after bringing in a surgeon who specializes in circumcising mosquitoes, we were able to actually find a microscopic nub which turned out to be a human penis! To put that size in a way the common person can understand, if Kim Jong-un’s penis was the size of a grain of sand, the average person’s penis would be the size of the Grand Canyon. God, I get goosebumps just thinking about it.”
When asked about his future plans on studying the smallest penis of all time, Dr. Jorgenson had this to say, “There’s no way a penis can get any smaller unless we bring in black holes, quantum mechanics, and be ready to admit that some supernatural force must exist to create such a small penis. We plan to put this one to bed for now and it will be a long, long time before we find a penis this small… if ever.”
“We are considering a new theory, however,” Dr. Jorgenson added, “That Kim Jong-un may be the Biggest Asshole of all time and the data is very strong supporting this so far. Only time will tell if Kim Jong-un can beat out the current World Asshole Champion, Carolina Panthers’ Quarterback, Cam Newton, but we have our doubts about this for obvious reasons.”